Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Guilt Trip

It seems as though no matter how determined you are to not "guilt" yourself when you have a child, it inevitably happens. As before mentioned, this was my intent when I stopped breastfeeding - yet, here I am, covered in big 'ole pile of guilt.

Its amazing how certain memories come flooding back to you AFTER your second child is born. While pregnant, I remembered joyful days of loving on my precious baby. I remembered the elation when she first smiled, took those first steps, and said her first word. Now that Greyson is here, the OTHER memories have come flooding back - more specificially, feeding issues.

When I stopped breastfeeding MC we had immediate issues. Projectile "waterfall" spitups as I called them, constasnt crying and gas, and inability to sleep due to being uncomfortable. She was later diagnosed with acid reflux and after switching formulas 3 times, trying every bottle on the market, and experiementing with 4 reflux medications, we finally got things under control. I felt guilty for not breastfeeding, thinking we wouldn't have had nearly the headaches had I stuck with it. Low and behond, here I am in the same situation again.

Greyson started out doing great on the formula. Then, the waterfall came. The first time it happened I immediately got a tense feeling in my stomach - scared that we were in for the same ordeal as we had with MC. However, the rest of the day went on without any further exorcist episodes so I thought it might have just been a one time occurrence. When it happened again the next day, I rummaged through boxes and got out the only bottles that worked for MC. After a few feedings things were fine... then BAM. Waterfall spit up again. This has been going on at least once a day for about a week....

We saw the pediatrician Monday and I couldn't have been more excited to inquire about Greyson's new talent of long distance vomiting. She asked if he seemed to be upset during feedings (listing all of the symptoms we dealt with with MC) and I said no. He would spit up an entire bottle and seem a little hungry after the fact, but was basically a happy baby. He was gaining weight like a champ so she said at this point to just think of it as a laundry issue. I felt SO much better and vowed to myself that I wouldn't get stressed anymore (HA!).

Cut to today. The day from hell. No joke. I have been holding a crying baby pretty much all day. Everytime he eats, he takes a few swigs and starts choking - in turn swallowing a ton of air (I can actually hear the huge gulps of air as he swallows) This completely stresses me out as I know with all that air a projectile spit up is in our future. Sure enough, he spit up what looked to be at least two bottles of milk all over me, the couch, the accent pillow, and himself. Then, as I put him in his lamb chair to clean it up, he did it again. After I got him changed and laid him in his crib to clean the lamb chair, he spit up again (not a waterfall but just enough to run down his neck and onto his freshly changed outfit)- all the while acting hungry and screaming bloody murder. I tried desperately to console him and get him to sleep (at this point he had been awake ALL MORNING - ie at least 3 or 4 hours) but he just made faces, curled up, arched his back, and continued crying. I tried gas drops but that didnt help either. All that was left was for ME to cry.... and feel guilty. The immediate thought that entered my mind again - "this wouldn't be happening if I had kept breastfeeding." I'm being cursed because I was a selfish mommmy.

Ok. Maybe I don't completely believe that last statement - but I still feel horrible and stressed. Yesterday I told the pediatrician things were fine and today it has been a complete 180. Of course I can't be that neurotic mom who calls the day after an appointment when my child was "fine", and now claims they are certain he has acid reflux. All I know to do is wait a few days and THEN be the neurotic mom. I can't stand seeing my baby boy uncomfortable and my mommy intuition knows something is up!

As I mentioned before, apprently along with the entire birthing process, God also includes the first month of baby's life into a mommy's "offspring amnesia". (I am convinced women have complete amnesia when it comes to having children - if we remembered everything from the first time around every family in America would only have one child.)

While Grey is now sleeping (for the first time today - and its 5:00), I am already dreading that next bottle. I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I just pray I can make it through the next few days without having a complete nervous breakdown! I plan on calling the pediatrician by Thursday if this continues - prayers are always welcome that I make it til then!

1 comment:

  1. Why don't you start back up breastfeeding and give your baby some relief from pain and yourself a break. Surely a little extra time on the couch snuggling and nursing your baby boy has to be easier than all of this nonsense. Talk to a lactation consultant or postpartum doula who knows about re-lactation. You probably still have milk in there anyways just let him latch and bring back the liquid gold! Problem solved.


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