Aside from being one of my favorite songs, "UnderPpressure" could be the soundtrack to my life lately. My husband says I get too personal and share entirely too much information on my blog, but my "facebook front" has to be shed and the question in my head must be asked...
Who has it flippin' together?
Allow me to clarify. I am one of those guilty parties who constantly compares myself to others. I question whether I measure up and, if I don't, how can change? Now, I personally think this can be a good thing at times. I think wanting to be a better person, mother, wife, etc. is important no matter where the motivation might come from. However, let's face it - constantly comparing yourself to other people is self depricating and destructive - you will NEVER measure up..... or do you and you just don't know it? Do I have it more together than I give myself credit for?
Since baby number two has come along, my life has been turned upside down. Again. Previously when I stayed home with Maggie Claire I really felt I had it "together". I had our routine, I had TIME to keep the house spotless and scrumptious meals ready when Adam walked in the door. I organized a playgroup, devoted time to spiritual growth, couponed, exercised, and budgeted our finances. I was the picture of "togetherness".
Then, I began working. Let's just say that arriving home at 6:30 every night put a big damper on my ability to do all of the previously mentioned things. However, I slowly got into a routine and things got a little better. I still struggled with keeping the house clean and preparing those delicious meals, but I was surviving. I had my head above water.
Currently, my "togetherness" is non existant. I can't seem to keep my head above water and do all of the things I think I should be doing. We have been dealing with a fairly fussy baby this last week or so, and all my day consists of is feeding, changing, and desperately trying to get him to sleep (he will sleep great in my arms but the moment I put him down he starts crying). I have no time to get anything accomplished and when Adam gets home I feel as though I have little, if anything, to show for my day at home.
When he and MC arrive I then struggle with getting everyone fed, giving MC quality time, completing chores that didn't get done during the day, and tending to little Grey. Granted, Adam helps with all of these things, but its still a struggle to get everything completed in a few short hours.
With this new experience in our lives I can't help but wonder how so many women do it. DO THEY REALLY HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER? I wonder so often if they are some sort of super woman with special powers or if its all a front. Do these working women with two kids REALLY have a spotless house all the time? Are their children REALLY that well behaved all the time? Do they REALLY have plenty of quality time with their spouse? If you are one of these "super women" please tell me its a front. Please tell me if I were to stop by your house at 7:00pm on a weekday I would find your child screaming, your spouse chasing them, dinner not served, beds unmade, baskets of laundry on the floor, the sink full of dishes, the pantry unstocked, and you standing in the middle of it all like a deer in headlights. Please. Tell me thats the case.
I want to believe I'm not the only one who struggles with keeping it all together. Then, I see friends who are expecting their third child. Or hear Adam talk about the guy at work who just had his FIFTH. Obviously they have it together. If they didn't, they wouldn't be adding another kiddo to the mix. I can't even FATHOM having another child - I am barely functioning with two. How is it these people get it all done. How do these women keep it together under such pressure?
If you are one of those moms who does it all, please share the wealth. Write a book. Heck, write a blog. A short instructional guide would be highly appreciated. If you DON'T have it all together, please share that as well. Tell me you are also a big 'ole facebook fronter. Pretty please?
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Guilt Trip
It seems as though no matter how determined you are to not "guilt" yourself when you have a child, it inevitably happens. As before mentioned, this was my intent when I stopped breastfeeding - yet, here I am, covered in big 'ole pile of guilt.
Its amazing how certain memories come flooding back to you AFTER your second child is born. While pregnant, I remembered joyful days of loving on my precious baby. I remembered the elation when she first smiled, took those first steps, and said her first word. Now that Greyson is here, the OTHER memories have come flooding back - more specificially, feeding issues.
When I stopped breastfeeding MC we had immediate issues. Projectile "waterfall" spitups as I called them, constasnt crying and gas, and inability to sleep due to being uncomfortable. She was later diagnosed with acid reflux and after switching formulas 3 times, trying every bottle on the market, and experiementing with 4 reflux medications, we finally got things under control. I felt guilty for not breastfeeding, thinking we wouldn't have had nearly the headaches had I stuck with it. Low and behond, here I am in the same situation again.
Greyson started out doing great on the formula. Then, the waterfall came. The first time it happened I immediately got a tense feeling in my stomach - scared that we were in for the same ordeal as we had with MC. However, the rest of the day went on without any further exorcist episodes so I thought it might have just been a one time occurrence. When it happened again the next day, I rummaged through boxes and got out the only bottles that worked for MC. After a few feedings things were fine... then BAM. Waterfall spit up again. This has been going on at least once a day for about a week....
We saw the pediatrician Monday and I couldn't have been more excited to inquire about Greyson's new talent of long distance vomiting. She asked if he seemed to be upset during feedings (listing all of the symptoms we dealt with with MC) and I said no. He would spit up an entire bottle and seem a little hungry after the fact, but was basically a happy baby. He was gaining weight like a champ so she said at this point to just think of it as a laundry issue. I felt SO much better and vowed to myself that I wouldn't get stressed anymore (HA!).
Cut to today. The day from hell. No joke. I have been holding a crying baby pretty much all day. Everytime he eats, he takes a few swigs and starts choking - in turn swallowing a ton of air (I can actually hear the huge gulps of air as he swallows) This completely stresses me out as I know with all that air a projectile spit up is in our future. Sure enough, he spit up what looked to be at least two bottles of milk all over me, the couch, the accent pillow, and himself. Then, as I put him in his lamb chair to clean it up, he did it again. After I got him changed and laid him in his crib to clean the lamb chair, he spit up again (not a waterfall but just enough to run down his neck and onto his freshly changed outfit)- all the while acting hungry and screaming bloody murder. I tried desperately to console him and get him to sleep (at this point he had been awake ALL MORNING - ie at least 3 or 4 hours) but he just made faces, curled up, arched his back, and continued crying. I tried gas drops but that didnt help either. All that was left was for ME to cry.... and feel guilty. The immediate thought that entered my mind again - "this wouldn't be happening if I had kept breastfeeding." I'm being cursed because I was a selfish mommmy.
Ok. Maybe I don't completely believe that last statement - but I still feel horrible and stressed. Yesterday I told the pediatrician things were fine and today it has been a complete 180. Of course I can't be that neurotic mom who calls the day after an appointment when my child was "fine", and now claims they are certain he has acid reflux. All I know to do is wait a few days and THEN be the neurotic mom. I can't stand seeing my baby boy uncomfortable and my mommy intuition knows something is up!
As I mentioned before, apprently along with the entire birthing process, God also includes the first month of baby's life into a mommy's "offspring amnesia". (I am convinced women have complete amnesia when it comes to having children - if we remembered everything from the first time around every family in America would only have one child.)
While Grey is now sleeping (for the first time today - and its 5:00), I am already dreading that next bottle. I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I just pray I can make it through the next few days without having a complete nervous breakdown! I plan on calling the pediatrician by Thursday if this continues - prayers are always welcome that I make it til then!
Its amazing how certain memories come flooding back to you AFTER your second child is born. While pregnant, I remembered joyful days of loving on my precious baby. I remembered the elation when she first smiled, took those first steps, and said her first word. Now that Greyson is here, the OTHER memories have come flooding back - more specificially, feeding issues.
When I stopped breastfeeding MC we had immediate issues. Projectile "waterfall" spitups as I called them, constasnt crying and gas, and inability to sleep due to being uncomfortable. She was later diagnosed with acid reflux and after switching formulas 3 times, trying every bottle on the market, and experiementing with 4 reflux medications, we finally got things under control. I felt guilty for not breastfeeding, thinking we wouldn't have had nearly the headaches had I stuck with it. Low and behond, here I am in the same situation again.
Greyson started out doing great on the formula. Then, the waterfall came. The first time it happened I immediately got a tense feeling in my stomach - scared that we were in for the same ordeal as we had with MC. However, the rest of the day went on without any further exorcist episodes so I thought it might have just been a one time occurrence. When it happened again the next day, I rummaged through boxes and got out the only bottles that worked for MC. After a few feedings things were fine... then BAM. Waterfall spit up again. This has been going on at least once a day for about a week....
We saw the pediatrician Monday and I couldn't have been more excited to inquire about Greyson's new talent of long distance vomiting. She asked if he seemed to be upset during feedings (listing all of the symptoms we dealt with with MC) and I said no. He would spit up an entire bottle and seem a little hungry after the fact, but was basically a happy baby. He was gaining weight like a champ so she said at this point to just think of it as a laundry issue. I felt SO much better and vowed to myself that I wouldn't get stressed anymore (HA!).
Cut to today. The day from hell. No joke. I have been holding a crying baby pretty much all day. Everytime he eats, he takes a few swigs and starts choking - in turn swallowing a ton of air (I can actually hear the huge gulps of air as he swallows) This completely stresses me out as I know with all that air a projectile spit up is in our future. Sure enough, he spit up what looked to be at least two bottles of milk all over me, the couch, the accent pillow, and himself. Then, as I put him in his lamb chair to clean it up, he did it again. After I got him changed and laid him in his crib to clean the lamb chair, he spit up again (not a waterfall but just enough to run down his neck and onto his freshly changed outfit)- all the while acting hungry and screaming bloody murder. I tried desperately to console him and get him to sleep (at this point he had been awake ALL MORNING - ie at least 3 or 4 hours) but he just made faces, curled up, arched his back, and continued crying. I tried gas drops but that didnt help either. All that was left was for ME to cry.... and feel guilty. The immediate thought that entered my mind again - "this wouldn't be happening if I had kept breastfeeding." I'm being cursed because I was a selfish mommmy.
Ok. Maybe I don't completely believe that last statement - but I still feel horrible and stressed. Yesterday I told the pediatrician things were fine and today it has been a complete 180. Of course I can't be that neurotic mom who calls the day after an appointment when my child was "fine", and now claims they are certain he has acid reflux. All I know to do is wait a few days and THEN be the neurotic mom. I can't stand seeing my baby boy uncomfortable and my mommy intuition knows something is up!
As I mentioned before, apprently along with the entire birthing process, God also includes the first month of baby's life into a mommy's "offspring amnesia". (I am convinced women have complete amnesia when it comes to having children - if we remembered everything from the first time around every family in America would only have one child.)
While Grey is now sleeping (for the first time today - and its 5:00), I am already dreading that next bottle. I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I just pray I can make it through the next few days without having a complete nervous breakdown! I plan on calling the pediatrician by Thursday if this continues - prayers are always welcome that I make it til then!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
The Birth, The Breast, and The Beyond
I can't believe my sweet baby boy is here. Greyson Carter Martin was born on Monday, January 7, 2013 at 6:52 pm - weighing in at 7lbs 14oz and 22 inches long. My soul was overflowing, but as we all know, there is always a story with the birth of a baby. Here's our birth story.... and a little beyond, if you feel up to reading ;)
After almost a week went by since our little "false alarm", I couldn't believe this child still hadn't come. I was sure that he would be early and here we were, 3 days from our due date, and NOTHING. I decided to give up my aspirations of having my water break in the middle of Target and schedule our induction. I hated to go through the process again, knowing exactly what I was in for as we induced with MC, but I was READY.
Monday morning at 5:30am the hospital called and said to be there at 7:00am. We got everything loaded up and took off, ready for the long day ahead. When we arrived I was still 3cm and 80%, and Dr.A stripped my membranes (again) and broke my water to try to get things going. I proceeded to make laps around the maternity floor like a mouse in a maze in hopes of making some progress without pitocin. After an hour they checked me again and we were at 4cm. Ok. At least that's something. We made some more laps and my contractions started getting much more intense. After an hour of walking this time we returned to find we had progressed to 7cm. Woo Hoo! At this point I was READY for that epidural and after, we decided to give just a touch of pitocin (since I couldn't walk anymore) to see if we could speed up those last 3 centimeters. Boy did it work. Within 30 minutes we were at 10 and ready to start pushing. Oh goodness - here we go....
I have to say that at this point I was ridiculously nervous. I had asked the nurse a few minutes earlier if I was supposed to be able to move my legs and she said yes - that's the sign of a good epidural. I was somehow under the impression that NOT feeling anything would a be a "good" epidural, but remembering the story of a woman in our birthing class having difficulty pushing because she couldn't feel anything, it did make sense. I was scared and in pain but let's face it - there was only one way this kid was coming out and I didn't really have a choice in the matter.
They rolled in the mirror (yes, I requested a mirror this go-around. A woman in our birthing class said it was encouraging to see the progress she was making as she pushed instead of relying on second hand opinions so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I have to say it WAS helpful. Knowing and seeing that I was actually accomplishing something with each push kept me going...) We began pushing and it.was.tough. However, I was proud of the composure I was able to muster during this ridiculously painful ordeal. The first time around I think all I did was scream "GET HER OUT!!!!" and then scream some more. This time I focused on pushing and less on scaring every other woman on the maternity floor....
About 45 minutes later my sweet Greyson was in my arms. I felt such joy and relief that this process was over and I could now enjoy my beautiful son and my amazing husband. We took photos and video and spent the rest of the next few minutes nursing and staring at this amazing little life God blessed us with.
As Adam told me our parents and MC were here, he asked if I wanted some makeup. Odd question coming from a man. As confused as I was, I said "sure" and he blotted me down with powder foundation and blush. We let them all meet baby Grey and after they left I got up for the all important "bathroom test". Ya know, the fun test where you have to pee-pee in the toilet in front of a nurse to make sure they don't need to do a catheter. You would think these people would realize that trying to do your business as someone stares is not the most reasonable way, but, hey, what do I know....
As I made my way to the bathroom, I stopped in front of the mirror - WHAT THE HELL WAS ON MY FACE!!! I looked at my reflection and I was covered in purple splotches. I looked like someone had taken a purple marker and drawn circles and odd shapes all over my cheeks and forehead. I immidiately freaked out and asked the nurse what the heck was going on. She was like "oh, I just assumed that had always been there... you don't have acne scars or anything?" Uh, NO. Pre-baby my face was just fine, and now I look like a zombie.
As you can imagine I immediately asked my doctor when I saw her nex,t and she assured me it was fine. I had busted cappillaries in my face and developed brusing during all the pushing and she promised it would return to normal in about a week. I prayed she was right as we all know that after having a baby we all want to look as if we DIDN'T just have a baby to make everyone on facebook jealous. Well, I had no hope there so I just opted for as few pictures as possible....
The next few days were fantastic and little man was nursing like a champ. We had a lot of issues getting MC to latch, but as Adam quickly pointed out - Greyson is a boob man. That brings us to the next chapter - "The Breast". (Yes, this post is going to continue for two more chapters and will probably be the longest blog post in history. Feel free to take a brief intermission or complete some chores and come back later)
If you are a woman you know the pressure our society puts on us to breastfeed. I have no issues with that - it is best. Its medically proven to be the best thing for your child. HOWEVER, its just not for everyone. After I had MC I nursed for about 2 weeks and just couldn't do it anymore. I had horrible post partum depression, my husband was leaving to return to Iraq, I was living with my parents... it was just too much. I gave it up and faced the scrutiny of many many people and therefore felt INTENSE guilt. I wanted so badly to give it everything I had the second time around.
We were off to such a fantastic start with Grey that I just knew it was going to work. He dropped a slight bit of weight during those first few days, but before I left the hospital my milk was already coming in. We nursed and nursed and nursed. This little man was an insane eater. I was nursing every 2 hours, with each session lasting about an hour. That meant I sat on the couch for 1 hour, and then, an hour later it was time to do it again. I had enough milk for a small country of babies, I was extremely uncomfortable and, quite honestly, tired of sitting. I missed MC and felt she was being completely neglected - not something I enjoyed. I tried to stick with it but I knew at that point quitting was probably on the horizon. Logically I knew everything was going well, but something in me just wasn't ENJOYING it. I didn't go all granola and describe it as a beautiful bonding experience....I had a kid sucking on my boob every other hour for 24 hours straight. That was not beautiful. That was painful. And exhausting. I knew I had a lactation appointment in just a few days so I hung in there in hopes they would be able to shed some light on the whole experience and reassure me that I just needed to keep with it.
As Monday approached and I got ready for my appointment I felt good. I had just put on a pair of pre-baby jeans, did my makeup and hair, and felt like my old self. I went to the lactation appointment ready to take on the boob pushers...
When I arrived I was shocked at how friendly the entire staff was. The lactation consultant took me to our room and proceeded to weigh Greyson. She was shocked when she saw that he weighed in at 8lbs 2oz and was a week old. He had surpassed his birthweight in 7 days which was fantastic since apparently most newborns loose a good deal of weight and it takes much longer to return to that birthweight. She said obviously he was eating well and I was producing plenty of milk. I stared at my Dolly Parton breasts and shook my head in agreement.
At this point you then feed the baby in front of the consultant so they can help with any latching issues or answer questions you might have. Then, after the feeding they weigh the baby again to see exactly how many ounces he/she consumed. As I began nursing I asked typical questions and she answered them all very sweetly and repeatedly commented on how amazing I looked and what a great latch and technique we had. She was full of positive comments and praise and I felt like a breastfeeding rockstar to be honest. Then, the head of the lactation department came into the room with an interesting proposition....
As I sat there with my boob in my child's mouth, she asked if I would be interested in being a part of new marketing materials for the lactation department. Ummmm, what? She said if I felt comfortable, there was a photographer there who was going to take some photos for them to use in pamplets, handouts, signs, etc. She said she knew it was a lot to ask and if I didn't want to do it that was perfectly fine. I thought about it for a while and decided "what the heck?". After two kids "modesty" is not even part of my vocabulary, so why not have my breasts put out there for all of Charlotte to see? I knew Adam was going to murder me....
The photographer came in and proceeded to take pictures of me breastfeeding Greyson, talking with the lactation consultant, and trying out the new "Second Skin" sling I had purchased a few days before (which I HIGHLY reccomend by the way!!). It was kind of scary that I wasn't the least bit uncomfortable and I was looking forward to having some free photos of Grey and I (as I mentioned before, I had avoided all post-birthing photos due to my purple dot disorder..) Everything that had occurred at the appointment couldn't have been better. I was praised for our progress and told I was "amazing" about 547 times. However, as I returned home, I was still unsure of whether I wanted to continue this masquarade.
The next day was a complete 180. Greyson didn't sleep well that night so in addition to being super exhausted, he also decided it would be fun to cry and fuss most of the day. After 1.5 hours between feedings he was ready to eat again and I had literally reached my breaking point. He wouldn't sleep at all - due to his hunger I assumed, and I didn't know what else to do but cry. I decided then and there I was done. The poster child for breastfeeding (literally) was turning to formula.
That was an exhilirating decision I have to say. I thought back to my experience with MC and remembered how I repeatedly beat myself up for having called it quits. I got even more depressed and was convinced I was a a horrible mother.
This time around it was different. I had 3 years of parenting under my belt and I knew I was not a horrible mother. My "formula fed" baby was one of the smartest three year olds I had ever met and had never had any serious sickness to speak of . I was no perfect parent, but I knew I tried every single day to be the best I could be and always put my child first in every decision I made.
I knew to be the best parent I could be I had to stop. I was making myself crazy. I was crying, depressed, stressed, and none of those make for a happy home environment. I LIKE taking care of my family and I felt I couldn't do that to the degree I held myself accountable to with a newborn attached to my boob. Selfish? Maybe. But I didn't care. I firmly believe in the saying that if momma isn't happy, no one is happy.
As I sit here typing, staring at the cabbage leaves peaking out of my milk drenched bra, I know I will be judged. Most people will think I am a quitter or weak or selfish. We had the ideal situation for breastfeeding and I still threw in the towel. If you are one of those people who want to judge, go ahead. It's not going to ruin the fact that I.am.happy. I feel exhilirated and prepared to take on being a mommy to two kiddos. I have moved to "The Beyond" chapter and can't wait to experience all the joy of mothering my sweet boy.
I hope any other mommies out there who might be reading this also feel empowered to make the decision thats best for YOU and not feel guilty about it. YOUR health and happiness dictates the mood of your entire household and you can't raise happy children in an unhappy home. Can I get an amen?
Happy Wednesday everyone and hopefully soon I'll have some downtime to post a few photos of baby boy!!!
After almost a week went by since our little "false alarm", I couldn't believe this child still hadn't come. I was sure that he would be early and here we were, 3 days from our due date, and NOTHING. I decided to give up my aspirations of having my water break in the middle of Target and schedule our induction. I hated to go through the process again, knowing exactly what I was in for as we induced with MC, but I was READY.
Monday morning at 5:30am the hospital called and said to be there at 7:00am. We got everything loaded up and took off, ready for the long day ahead. When we arrived I was still 3cm and 80%, and Dr.A stripped my membranes (again) and broke my water to try to get things going. I proceeded to make laps around the maternity floor like a mouse in a maze in hopes of making some progress without pitocin. After an hour they checked me again and we were at 4cm. Ok. At least that's something. We made some more laps and my contractions started getting much more intense. After an hour of walking this time we returned to find we had progressed to 7cm. Woo Hoo! At this point I was READY for that epidural and after, we decided to give just a touch of pitocin (since I couldn't walk anymore) to see if we could speed up those last 3 centimeters. Boy did it work. Within 30 minutes we were at 10 and ready to start pushing. Oh goodness - here we go....
I have to say that at this point I was ridiculously nervous. I had asked the nurse a few minutes earlier if I was supposed to be able to move my legs and she said yes - that's the sign of a good epidural. I was somehow under the impression that NOT feeling anything would a be a "good" epidural, but remembering the story of a woman in our birthing class having difficulty pushing because she couldn't feel anything, it did make sense. I was scared and in pain but let's face it - there was only one way this kid was coming out and I didn't really have a choice in the matter.
They rolled in the mirror (yes, I requested a mirror this go-around. A woman in our birthing class said it was encouraging to see the progress she was making as she pushed instead of relying on second hand opinions so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I have to say it WAS helpful. Knowing and seeing that I was actually accomplishing something with each push kept me going...) We began pushing and it.was.tough. However, I was proud of the composure I was able to muster during this ridiculously painful ordeal. The first time around I think all I did was scream "GET HER OUT!!!!" and then scream some more. This time I focused on pushing and less on scaring every other woman on the maternity floor....
About 45 minutes later my sweet Greyson was in my arms. I felt such joy and relief that this process was over and I could now enjoy my beautiful son and my amazing husband. We took photos and video and spent the rest of the next few minutes nursing and staring at this amazing little life God blessed us with.
As Adam told me our parents and MC were here, he asked if I wanted some makeup. Odd question coming from a man. As confused as I was, I said "sure" and he blotted me down with powder foundation and blush. We let them all meet baby Grey and after they left I got up for the all important "bathroom test". Ya know, the fun test where you have to pee-pee in the toilet in front of a nurse to make sure they don't need to do a catheter. You would think these people would realize that trying to do your business as someone stares is not the most reasonable way, but, hey, what do I know....
As I made my way to the bathroom, I stopped in front of the mirror - WHAT THE HELL WAS ON MY FACE!!! I looked at my reflection and I was covered in purple splotches. I looked like someone had taken a purple marker and drawn circles and odd shapes all over my cheeks and forehead. I immidiately freaked out and asked the nurse what the heck was going on. She was like "oh, I just assumed that had always been there... you don't have acne scars or anything?" Uh, NO. Pre-baby my face was just fine, and now I look like a zombie.
As you can imagine I immediately asked my doctor when I saw her nex,t and she assured me it was fine. I had busted cappillaries in my face and developed brusing during all the pushing and she promised it would return to normal in about a week. I prayed she was right as we all know that after having a baby we all want to look as if we DIDN'T just have a baby to make everyone on facebook jealous. Well, I had no hope there so I just opted for as few pictures as possible....
The next few days were fantastic and little man was nursing like a champ. We had a lot of issues getting MC to latch, but as Adam quickly pointed out - Greyson is a boob man. That brings us to the next chapter - "The Breast". (Yes, this post is going to continue for two more chapters and will probably be the longest blog post in history. Feel free to take a brief intermission or complete some chores and come back later)
If you are a woman you know the pressure our society puts on us to breastfeed. I have no issues with that - it is best. Its medically proven to be the best thing for your child. HOWEVER, its just not for everyone. After I had MC I nursed for about 2 weeks and just couldn't do it anymore. I had horrible post partum depression, my husband was leaving to return to Iraq, I was living with my parents... it was just too much. I gave it up and faced the scrutiny of many many people and therefore felt INTENSE guilt. I wanted so badly to give it everything I had the second time around.
We were off to such a fantastic start with Grey that I just knew it was going to work. He dropped a slight bit of weight during those first few days, but before I left the hospital my milk was already coming in. We nursed and nursed and nursed. This little man was an insane eater. I was nursing every 2 hours, with each session lasting about an hour. That meant I sat on the couch for 1 hour, and then, an hour later it was time to do it again. I had enough milk for a small country of babies, I was extremely uncomfortable and, quite honestly, tired of sitting. I missed MC and felt she was being completely neglected - not something I enjoyed. I tried to stick with it but I knew at that point quitting was probably on the horizon. Logically I knew everything was going well, but something in me just wasn't ENJOYING it. I didn't go all granola and describe it as a beautiful bonding experience....I had a kid sucking on my boob every other hour for 24 hours straight. That was not beautiful. That was painful. And exhausting. I knew I had a lactation appointment in just a few days so I hung in there in hopes they would be able to shed some light on the whole experience and reassure me that I just needed to keep with it.
As Monday approached and I got ready for my appointment I felt good. I had just put on a pair of pre-baby jeans, did my makeup and hair, and felt like my old self. I went to the lactation appointment ready to take on the boob pushers...
When I arrived I was shocked at how friendly the entire staff was. The lactation consultant took me to our room and proceeded to weigh Greyson. She was shocked when she saw that he weighed in at 8lbs 2oz and was a week old. He had surpassed his birthweight in 7 days which was fantastic since apparently most newborns loose a good deal of weight and it takes much longer to return to that birthweight. She said obviously he was eating well and I was producing plenty of milk. I stared at my Dolly Parton breasts and shook my head in agreement.
At this point you then feed the baby in front of the consultant so they can help with any latching issues or answer questions you might have. Then, after the feeding they weigh the baby again to see exactly how many ounces he/she consumed. As I began nursing I asked typical questions and she answered them all very sweetly and repeatedly commented on how amazing I looked and what a great latch and technique we had. She was full of positive comments and praise and I felt like a breastfeeding rockstar to be honest. Then, the head of the lactation department came into the room with an interesting proposition....
As I sat there with my boob in my child's mouth, she asked if I would be interested in being a part of new marketing materials for the lactation department. Ummmm, what? She said if I felt comfortable, there was a photographer there who was going to take some photos for them to use in pamplets, handouts, signs, etc. She said she knew it was a lot to ask and if I didn't want to do it that was perfectly fine. I thought about it for a while and decided "what the heck?". After two kids "modesty" is not even part of my vocabulary, so why not have my breasts put out there for all of Charlotte to see? I knew Adam was going to murder me....
The photographer came in and proceeded to take pictures of me breastfeeding Greyson, talking with the lactation consultant, and trying out the new "Second Skin" sling I had purchased a few days before (which I HIGHLY reccomend by the way!!). It was kind of scary that I wasn't the least bit uncomfortable and I was looking forward to having some free photos of Grey and I (as I mentioned before, I had avoided all post-birthing photos due to my purple dot disorder..) Everything that had occurred at the appointment couldn't have been better. I was praised for our progress and told I was "amazing" about 547 times. However, as I returned home, I was still unsure of whether I wanted to continue this masquarade.
The next day was a complete 180. Greyson didn't sleep well that night so in addition to being super exhausted, he also decided it would be fun to cry and fuss most of the day. After 1.5 hours between feedings he was ready to eat again and I had literally reached my breaking point. He wouldn't sleep at all - due to his hunger I assumed, and I didn't know what else to do but cry. I decided then and there I was done. The poster child for breastfeeding (literally) was turning to formula.
That was an exhilirating decision I have to say. I thought back to my experience with MC and remembered how I repeatedly beat myself up for having called it quits. I got even more depressed and was convinced I was a a horrible mother.
This time around it was different. I had 3 years of parenting under my belt and I knew I was not a horrible mother. My "formula fed" baby was one of the smartest three year olds I had ever met and had never had any serious sickness to speak of . I was no perfect parent, but I knew I tried every single day to be the best I could be and always put my child first in every decision I made.
I knew to be the best parent I could be I had to stop. I was making myself crazy. I was crying, depressed, stressed, and none of those make for a happy home environment. I LIKE taking care of my family and I felt I couldn't do that to the degree I held myself accountable to with a newborn attached to my boob. Selfish? Maybe. But I didn't care. I firmly believe in the saying that if momma isn't happy, no one is happy.
As I sit here typing, staring at the cabbage leaves peaking out of my milk drenched bra, I know I will be judged. Most people will think I am a quitter or weak or selfish. We had the ideal situation for breastfeeding and I still threw in the towel. If you are one of those people who want to judge, go ahead. It's not going to ruin the fact that I.am.happy. I feel exhilirated and prepared to take on being a mommy to two kiddos. I have moved to "The Beyond" chapter and can't wait to experience all the joy of mothering my sweet boy.
I hope any other mommies out there who might be reading this also feel empowered to make the decision thats best for YOU and not feel guilty about it. YOUR health and happiness dictates the mood of your entire household and you can't raise happy children in an unhappy home. Can I get an amen?
Happy Wednesday everyone and hopefully soon I'll have some downtime to post a few photos of baby boy!!!
Friday, January 4, 2013
The Last Bumpdate!!!
I can't believe this will be the very last bumpdate. We will be 40 weeks tomorrow and since we are inducing on Monday, I don't think I will posting on the 2 days after our due date.
This pregnancy has completely flown by. Well, except for now. Time is a draggin'. I just KNEW Grey would come early. Even the doctor didn't think I would make it to the 5th. Well, little man proved us all wrong. Its cold. He's comfy. He decided to stay for the long haul.
Its not letting me upload a photo for some reason so I might have to do another post with our 39 week belly pic - but here's the bumpdate!
Due Date: January 5, 2013
This pregnancy has completely flown by. Well, except for now. Time is a draggin'. I just KNEW Grey would come early. Even the doctor didn't think I would make it to the 5th. Well, little man proved us all wrong. Its cold. He's comfy. He decided to stay for the long haul.
Its not letting me upload a photo for some reason so I might have to do another post with our 39 week belly pic - but here's the bumpdate!
Due Date: January 5, 2013
How Far Along: 39 weeks
Total Weight Gained: 143 (27 lbs)
Maternity Clothes: Yes
Best Moment of the Week: Knowing that this baby is eventually coming out, as we set an induction date for Monday January 7th.
Maternity Clothes: Yes
Best Moment of the Week: Knowing that this baby is eventually coming out, as we set an induction date for Monday January 7th.
Food Cravings: Not a whole lot of anything. My appetite has defnitely diminished these last couple of days.
Food Aversions: None
Belly button/stretch marks: In/no stretch marks
Symptoms: Same ole' same ole'
Belly button/stretch marks: In/no stretch marks
Symptoms: Same ole' same ole'
Adam's pregnancy symptoms: Impatience. This man is READY. Little does he know that however ready he is, I am WAY beyond that point. He actually asked me last night if I was going to go for a run or something today. Uh, no Scotty. I want this kid out as much as you do but a 40 week pregnant woman does not run. Well, unless you are one of those freaks of nature who eats only granola and organic veggies, doesn't allow TV, and exercises while in labor... aka, not me.
Movement:All the time. I think he is getting P.O.ed about the space issue. I've tried explaining that he could easily upgrade from his tiny studio apartment to a large single family home but you know you just can't reason with men.
Gender: Boy - Greyson Carter.
Milestones: The date is set! Grey may think he's living the bachelor life indefinitely but little does he know that momma has other plans!! We are set to induce on Monday if he doesn't come willingly before then. I keep hoping that he'll decide to come on his own, but with only 2 days left, my hope is fading fast. Without wanting to get too graphic (and knowing the stocked response has been "ewe" to the few girlfriends I have told) I will say that my doctor stripped my membranes at my appointment on Wednesday. Just google it - I won't go into details. She said it works about 50% of the time to induce labor within 24-48 hours. Well, that point has come and gone so we took to trying a couple of home remedies. Those also appear to have failed us so we are thinking Monday is the day. I am so ready to meet this little guy its ridiculous. Can't believe in a few short days we will be a family of FOUR!!
Milestones: The date is set! Grey may think he's living the bachelor life indefinitely but little does he know that momma has other plans!! We are set to induce on Monday if he doesn't come willingly before then. I keep hoping that he'll decide to come on his own, but with only 2 days left, my hope is fading fast. Without wanting to get too graphic (and knowing the stocked response has been "ewe" to the few girlfriends I have told) I will say that my doctor stripped my membranes at my appointment on Wednesday. Just google it - I won't go into details. She said it works about 50% of the time to induce labor within 24-48 hours. Well, that point has come and gone so we took to trying a couple of home remedies. Those also appear to have failed us so we are thinking Monday is the day. I am so ready to meet this little guy its ridiculous. Can't believe in a few short days we will be a family of FOUR!!
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